A Masterpiece of Music

Originally posted June 23rd, 2013

I was at a grocery store a couple weeks back, and over the PA system, I heard the lyrics “we are, we are we are, we are we are”, and for some reason, I thought it was catchy. It sounded like Kesha, so I had a starting point for searching (and I was too embarrassed to use Soundhound/Shazam in public to recognize the song).

I eventually found the song “Crazy Kids“. Before you read the rest of this, I’d recommend watching the entire video from start to finish (you’ll enjoy this post much more).

Note: viewing the linked video may lower your IQ by 20-40 points. You may experience feelings of hopelessness in humanity, despair, and/or intense hatred of dreadlocks.

Classic Kesha.

I proceeded to watch the mind-bogglingly stupid music video. I knew pop music videos were usually pretty bad, especially ones from Kesha, but this was so bad that I had to write about it. So, here’s my totally not sarcastic review of the video.

It starts off with her strutting towards the camera in the most ridiculous outfit I’ve ever seen; a baby blue hoodie adorned with pink-circle-flower-things, over-sized golden glasses which obviously serve no purpose, “grills”, several gold chains, necklaces, rings, and earrings.

Then she attempts to rap. I do have to give her some credit for some of these genius rhymes:

Catch a dub, catch a deuces
Ya’ll hatins useless
It’s such a nuisance
Ya’ll chickens keep your two cents

I’m not sure what she’s trying to say here, or how she managed to mangle the last words of each of those sentences so that they “rhyme”, but it’s great. No complaints here.

She then says:

Them boys, they want my coochie
I say nope, I’m no hootchie
You’re no hootchie? Ehh I’m not so sure Kesha.

Let’s formally analyze this one:

Urban dictionary, a reliable source on slang, says a hootchie is “trashy, fowl talking, provocative dressing, loud, appearing confident but stupid.”

Nope, not Kesha, sorry about that, I was wrong.

At the same time, she opens a refrigerator of what appears to be dozens of bottles of urine. She should probably clear out her collection before the rest of the partiers arrive.

Let’s talk about the chorus for a second. Kesha greets us with a classic “hello”, wherever we are, and proceeds to ask whether we are dancing on the dance floor or drinking by the bar (she rhymes “bar” with “are”, genius 3 letter rhyme that I haven’t thought of since the 3rd grade).

At 1:38 in the video, there’s some sort of golden spaceman playing what looks like pinball; turns out it’s will.i.am. A green hologram of his face is superimposed on the mask of the astronaut and he begins to sing.

I think I had a nightmare of this exact scenario once.

He uses some terrific similes and symbolism with lyrics like “I took her to my place to blast off like the shuttle”, and completes his verse with some of the greatest lyrics in history. This part deserves a section of its own.

Most of the songs I listen to, I can tell the lyricists really put effort into the lyrics they wrote. They have meaning, they rhyme, they flow well. They do something that elicits some emotional response from the listener.

I have never seen lyrics as amazing as what comes out of will.i.am’s mouth next.

Kissin’ while we talkin’
So I’m speaking with a mumble

I tried really hard to transcribe that last lyric, but basically he mumbles. It’s really something you have to hear for yourself to fully appreciate the artistry that went into this lyric alone. To end his verse with that lyric is really a testimony to will.i.am’s musical abilities and the level of intelligence that is expected of will.i.am’s listeners. I know now that at any time I want to see the pinnacle of the history of musical talent, I can go to this video and listen at the 2:05 mark for “Dibidiboodiboobouyewejoubeeguidibmble”. In the future, we will compare the lyrics of other great artists against this lyric right here. We will not rate things out of 10, we will rate them in terms of how good they are compared to “Dibidiboodiboobouyewejoubeeguidibmble”. I for one can not wait for this level of lyrical mastery to be surpassed, but I fear it will not come for a long time.

Long live “Dibidiboodiboobouyewejoubeeguidibmble”.

Immediately after we see some hippies elderly people dancing in and around a pool. They dance with Kesha wearing another one of her golden outfits (presumably to attract the opposite gender, kinda like a peacock’s feathers, except I don’t think she’ll be attracting much at all).

They proceed to do an interesting “dance” involving the “Great Flapping of the Hands” ritual I’ve heard so much about, and the “Immaculate Wobbling of the Legs” to signify that they really are the “Crazy Kids.”

After singing another verse, she goes back into the chorus, continues the Great Flapping of the Hands (I believe you have to do it twice for it to count), and ends the video after 3:54 of bad music.

I’ve heard several pieces by Vivaldi, Mozart, Beethoven, and the like, but this is on a whole different level. I did not even know this level of musical ingenuity was possible. Kesha and will.i.am show us the true power of music and what can be done with the fantastic video technology we have today in their Crazy Kids video.

All in all, Kesha and will.i.am set the bar higher than ever before for music videos and I am continuously amazed by what can be done when you put two talented musicians like will.i.am and kesha and tell them to make music together.

I’m giving this one a 2/10. For effort.